Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.

Me: Can you take off the avocado?

Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

who did the taste test?

Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.