Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

we’re gonna need another temp

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

What a chick magnet..

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.