Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them