Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?