Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

when you don’t want to be too vague

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….