Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can also cook 😂

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.