[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
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[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Priorities
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…