[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
You Might Also Like
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze