Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
snowmen don’t need scarves, idiots.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sex so good you forget it’s 2020.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.