[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
honestly, i need both:
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
