[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
