[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
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1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
do what now??
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”