Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

*getting a deli sandwich*

person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?

me: yes

person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price

me: that’s ok I’m good

person: it’s FREE cheese tho

me: I don’t want that much cheese

person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?

This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

Me: I like that racecar.

Her: You know that’s a palindrome.

Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.