Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
You Might Also Like
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Inside you there are two wolves
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive