Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Unexpected Judgment
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.