Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

I have questions??

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.