Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
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my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Yes 😂
Most Common Source of Electricity
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
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