@Humor_Fetish
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
@OmarNajam
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
@seamussaid
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
@Brianhopecomedy
I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.
@TheWoodenslurpy
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
@detroit_et
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
@stuckinaportal
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
@tudorgrrrl
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
@Be___Dope
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
@bruinsphan_24
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
@KoKeniSasquatch
My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.Shit. It’s empty.