Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
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I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Who says great literature is dead?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching