@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

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@OmarNajam

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

@stuckinaportal

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

@Be___Dope

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@KoKeniSasquatch

My luck can best be described as:
Loses $50 but finds a lighter.

Shit. It’s empty.