Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Bike for sale

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.