Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist

ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead

PICASSO: I got this

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”