Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Wake me when AI does housework

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.