Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.