Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
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A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Don’t touch that.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)