[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
it really cannot be overstated how important it is to be thirty years younger than the guy you’re fighting
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
an octopus is just a wet spider
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.