Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family