Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
There is no try. There is only give up.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
🤯🤯🤯
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*