Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee