Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Very good! 👍😂

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??