Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

one week till the election

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

Many hands make light work

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.