Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute đ€«
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âWhy does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesnât make sense.â
âDessert goes pretty fast.â
âPlease shut up.â
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.![]()
âItâs not you, itâs me.â -Twins looking at some family photos
I offered my nephew a donut and he said âno thanks, Iâm not hungry rnâ and I donât think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelorâs degree and a history of head injuries.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, Iâm guessing I shouldnât eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
9: Whereâs mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: Whatâs she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, thatâs not how itâ
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: âaww cuuuuteâ
2nd time: âha okayâ
3rd time: âi am trapped in a nightmareâ
Iâm perfectly approachable as long as youâre carrying a plate of nachos.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled âthroughâ âthruâ and she responded âthatâs how *I* spell itâ. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting âif you canât handle me at my worst, you donât deserve me at my bestâ in her Tinder profile
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:![]()
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things Iâd do just to save a few bucks
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
â Every kid ever.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didnât think i was ever gonna do this again
My daughter acts like sheâs on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Me: âŠat aol dot com
Cashier: at a�
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao�
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Maâam, are you crying?
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I wish I could be like my cable companyâs customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what youâre wearing
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[hotel]
wife: Iâm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: Whatâd you pick?
me: Space Jam
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didnât know âants in your pantsâ was an actual thing!!! đ