Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.

– Every kid ever.

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜