Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*