Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

selena gomez