Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.