Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
If you had more money you’d be happier.