Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Joseph:

God: starrrrrting now

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.