Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

ㅤ

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂

#Caturday

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.