Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me