Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.