Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down