Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Wake me when AI does housework
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.