Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

Generation gap…

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”