Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!

Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.