Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Crying is a sign of leakness.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I’m already scared
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
This dude got his own movie?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.