Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

15: ‘What’s it like being married?’

Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Teamwork makes the dream work.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.