Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel