Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

#gardening

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future