Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
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Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
who wants to go expliring
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
new record!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.