Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?