Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
You Might Also Like
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
