Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”