Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Jesus Christ lmao
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.