Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

(Final maths exam)

Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*