Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history