Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?