Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Seems kinda suspicious

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

[frog-condom sales meeting]

frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?

frog 2: rib it

frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius

Try and stop me.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them