Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

I see your IQ test came back negative

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.