Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Sniffing the broccoli

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

me 2 months after i graduated

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.