Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

(more comics:

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

And they lived apathetically ever after.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

🙁

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.