Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.