Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go

Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?

What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

⛄️

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.