[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
You Might Also Like
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Is this a threat?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.