Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

hacker: i know your social security number

me: that makes one of us

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!