Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.

My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?

Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.

Worth the read.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.

My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.