[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.