Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.

Why not? We’re roofers.

Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.