Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!