Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I love texting my boyfriend
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!