Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?
Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal