Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

I’d love this…lol

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

me: i hate my job

gf: why don’t you try living off the land

me: like in the sky?

gf: what

me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long

6: Mom will you play with me?

Me: Sure buddy

6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.