Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The Chosen Phew

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.

~The 2000’s

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

WWE is French for “yes”

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix