My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.
For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
I have lumps on my head.
Air conditioning – not a fan