For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

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My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.


I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what’s on my mind.

For heaven’s sake, I don’t know what’s on my mind.


nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.


Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.


BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife


drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?


This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]



I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman