@pleatedjeans

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

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@UnFitz

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@jergarl

Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

@Boozemunkee

If poison expires is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

@clichedout

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register