[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.