Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!

Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.