Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now

The Universe: hold my beer

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.