[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
this is so top tier i cant
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy