Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Teacher: Any questions

*raises hand*

T: NO DUMB ONES

“Can you see continent names from space”

T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay