airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality