airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead