airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
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Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
“i am a sweet baby”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning