Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

This is no longer winter this is harassment

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]