Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.

There was a sudden Jeff in the family

Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.