Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome